How to show up as your best self in dating

Our TogetherOnline sessions are designed to make dating feel a little less chaotic and a lot more intentional. In this call, Rachel (Solo Connects) was joined by Janet Watters, Your Happiness Therapist, for a practical (and surprisingly eye-opening) set of exercises to help attendees get clearer on what they need, what they won’t accept, and what they bring to the table.

What did we actually do on the call?

Janet led the group through three core activities, all based around identifying and using yourt hree non-negotiable values (the things you truly need to feel safe, respected and happy in a relationship).

“I want you to remember: these are your non-negotiables,” Janet explained. “They’re the values you live by.”

How full were your ‘value buckets’ in past relationships?

The first exercise was what Janet called the bucket exercise.

Attendees were asked to think of a previous relationship (or even a significant friendship), and then rate—out of 100%—how well that person met each of their top three values.

Janet described it like this:

“I’d imagine 100% at the top, then ask:how honest were they? How much did I trust them? How loyal were they? And I’d mark the percentage.”

The group quickly realised how powerful this is. One attendee shared that their buckets were “all very, very low,” and how confronting it was to see it on paper. Another attendee noticed patterns at both extremes — people who didn’t value family at all, and someone who wastoo enmeshed with family — which helped them recognise what “healthy middle ground” looks like for them.

Janet offered an important reflection: if someone’s buckets look like they were 100% full, it might mean one of three things:

• you’re not yet seeing the problems clearly,

• you’re remembering the good bits and filtering out the difficult ones (“rose-tinted glasses”),

• or… they reallydid meet your values, and the work is to gently explore your own role (including self-sabotage).

“We have to be kind to ourselves,” Janet said. “We did what we did with the best of intentions at that time. Now we get to learn and grow.”

One of the attendees raised a really tender question about grief and how losing a partner can affect your perspective. Janet’s response was compassionate and grounding:

“If the relationship really did fill the cups, you’re not asking for too much to want that again. You deserve a relationship like that again.”

What do you want… and what do you not want?

Next, Janet asked everyone to create two lists:

• What I want in a partner

• What I don’t want in a partner

The key part: put your top non-negotiables right at the top.

Then came the shift: Janet encouraged attendees to flip don’t wants into wants.

“So ‘selfish’ becomes ‘generous’,” Janet explained. “A ‘bad communicator’ becomes ‘someone who communicates well’.”

Rachel loved this approach, especially because it helps people stay focused on what they’re calling in:

“From a law of attraction perspective… if you keep writing ‘selfish’, the universe is saying ‘yep, selfish!’ and they bring you selfish partners. But if you write ‘kind, compassionate, generous’ — that’s what you’re aiming towards.”

Janet also pointed out that many people find it easier to list what they don’t want — and that’s completely normal. The point isn’t perfection, it’s clarity.

What do you bring into a relationship?

Although time was tight, Janet shared a final “homework” exercise that she calls one of the most important:

Write down your top 5 strengths, and if you can, stretch it to 10.

“These are the things you want to remind yourself of daily,” Janet said — especially on rubbish days, after a bad date, or when your confidence dips.

Rachel jumped in with a practical dating tip: those strengths and values can be used to create a more meaningful dating profile and better conversations.

“The profiles that draw me in most are the ones that go deeper,” Rachel shared. “This helps you attract the right people — and repel the wrong ones.”

And in peak Rachel honesty, she added that the goal is not to match with everyone:

“If they read your profile and think ‘she sounds like hard work’ — great! Don’t waste your time.”

Janet reinforced the heart of it:

“You don’t want to lose yourself through this process… you don’t want to change yourself or lower your expectations.”

How can this help you date differently?

Toward the end of the call, attendees shared what they’ll take forward — like being more confident at events, keeping standards high, taking time to observe behaviour (not just chemistry), and asking better questions aligned with values.

Rachel summed it up perfectly:

“You’re choosing. You’re not waiting to be chosen.”